Metadata
- Authors: Amir Levine, Rachel Heller
- Full Title:: Attached
- Category:: đź“šBooks
- Finished date:: 2023-02-02
Highlights
TELLTALE SIGNS OF THE ANXIOUS-AVOIDANT TRAP (Location 1656)
your fights aren’t about these minor problems but about something else altogether—the amount of intimacy between you. (Location 1668)
Typically, if the relationship runs its usual course (we will show you later that this does not have to be so) despite differing intimacy needs, the anxious partner is usually the one who has to make concessions and accept the rules imposed by the avoidant partner. (Location 1677)
Conflict is often left unresolved because the resolution itself creates too much intimacy. (Location 1686)
With every clash, the anxious person loses more ground: During bitter fights between anxious and avoidant partners, when there are no secure checks and balances in place, people with anxious attachment style tend to get overwhelmed by negative (Location 1693)
emotions. When they feel hurt, they talk, think, and act in an extreme manner, even to the point of threatening to leave (protest behavior). However, once they calm down, they become flooded with positive memories and are then overcome with regret. They reach out to their partner in an attempt to reconcile. But they are often met with a hostile response, because avoidants react differently to a fight. They turn off all attachment-related memories and remember the worst of their partner. (Location 1694)
View yourself as responsible for your partner’s well-being. (Location 1855)
Wear your heart on your sleeve—be (Location 1856)
• Don’t make generalizations during conflict. (Location 1858)
Douse the flame before it becomes a forest fire—attend to your partner’s upsets before they escalate. (Location 1859)
One of the most important benefits of this insight has to do with your self-perception. Intimacy clashes are very destructive for the non-avoidant partner, who is constantly being pushed away by the avoidant partner. (Location 1949)
If you are with an avoidant partner, you are constantly being rejected and rebuffed. (Location 1952)
How do they manage? They come to terms with the fact that when it comes to certain aspects of the relationship, things are not ever going to change. (Location 1973)
pragmatic life strategies: (Location 1976)
They have chosen to let go of the dream of being truly intimate with their partners and have found a way to live with limited togetherness. They compromise. But make no mistake: The compromise is in no way mutual; it is in fact wholly one-sided. Instead of engaging in endless conflict that results in nothing but frustration and disappointment, they have decided to change their expectations and reduce conflict to tolerable proportions. (Location 1994)
But even when avoidants do stay faithful, they have other ways of using sex to push their partners away. While people with an anxious attachment style prefer strong emotional involvement during sex and enjoy the intimate aspects of lovemaking like kissing and caressing, avoidants have very different preferences. They might choose to focus only on the sexual act itself, forgoing holding and cuddling, or to put rules into place like “no kissing” in order to make sex feel less intimate. (Location 2121)
it’s been found that the anxious partner uses sex to achieve a sense of affirmation and as a barometer of attractiveness in the eyes of his/her mate. We (Location 2131)
Your need for closeness is rewarded with even more closeness. (Location 2167)
What does differentiate between couples and affect their satisfaction levels in their relationships is not how much they disagree, but how they disagree and what they disagree about. (Location 2537)
What she needs most is to feel that Tom is available to her—that he cares and wants to be with her. However, instead of saying this directly and explaining (Location 2631)
what is bothering her, she uses protest behavior—accusing him of being selfish and insisting that he come to her sister’s. Tom is bewildered that Rebecca is suddenly behaving so irrationally—after all, they have an understanding that he doesn’t have to go to her sister’s. (Location 2632)
Effectively expressing your emotional needs is even better than the other person magically reading your mind. (Location 2636)
Express your fears! Don’t let them dictate your actions. If you’re afraid that s/he wants to reject you, say so. (Location 2705)