## Metadata - Author: [[joel-van-fossen|Joel Van Fossen]] - Full Title:: It’s Possible to Become Wiser in Who You Entrust With Your Love - Category:: #🗞️Articles - Document Tags:: [[couple-therapy|Couple Therapy]], - URL:: https://psyche.co/ideas/its-possible-to-become-wiser-in-who-you-entrust-with-your-love?utm_source=rss-feed - Read date:: [[2025-04-01]] ## Highlights > a reasonable hope is that, as we gain experience as lovers, we figure out what works for us and what doesn’t. Ideally, a person reflects on the reasons they have for loving certain persons and not others, and this reflection allows for the discovery of a deeper, more valuable love. Ideally, love gains wisdom. ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01jqq1zgj3tap6m3r8kzrp0zb0)) > In his book *On Love* (1822), the French novelist and philosopher Stendhal describes beauty, or what I have called ‘attractiveness’, as ‘the promise of happiness’. According to Stendhal, to love someone is to experience the anticipation of indefinite happiness from that person. It is imagining a happy future with someone because their particular, attractive features allude to such a future. ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01jqq214pn6yk36bt8g0bp2wgc)) > consider the nature of promising. Imagine someone promises you that they will return a book you lent them. By making this promise, they have an obligation to return it. However, you’re not entirely passive in this interaction. When your friend utters the words ‘I promise I will return your book,’ part of what makes this utterance a promise is that you’ve decided to hold them to the expectation that they will return it. You could just as easily allow them to keep it if you so desire. ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01jqq2a2c37phs4j9xjvp1f4f2)) > love itself is created by trusting another person with one’s own happiness. ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01jqq2avzthd01xnqrfmb4daz9)) > The most we can promise, Nietzsche continues, is that: > > for as long as I love you I shall render unto you the actions of love; if I no longer love you, you will continue to receive the same actions from me, if from other motives. Thus the illusion remains in the minds of our fellow that the love is unchanged and still the same. ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01jqq2cs1j88ncnn164jpxkahg)) > It’s important to note that Stendhal doesn’t say that love is the *fulfilment* of a promise of happiness. It’s merely the *experience* of a promise, which can go unfulfilled. ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01jqq2xfd6qzgz3r6yke8gx7ht)) > If there is reason in love, it’s about improving our ability to find someone who can fulfil love’s promise. ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01jqq2xrphfqz3ecfv88982f1j))